Baby Sitting World

In a prior post, I talked about this situation and how I had actually experienced it from the babysitter’s side.  There was a toddler in my daycare that was with me 40-50 hours per week.  I loved her and treated her as my own child.  The result of this was that she began calling me “Mama” and cried when her mother took her from me to bring her home at night. 

While this is a heartbreaking scenario that many mothers experience, mother’s dealing with this should try to take comfort in knowing that their child must be being well taken care of and well loved to form such an attachment to his or her babysitter or nanny.   It is so hard for most mothers to trust another person to care for their baby, especially when well meaning friends repeat old cliches to them like “nobody is going to love your baby like you do.”  Apparently, there are many childcare providers that can come darn close and this is proven when this scenario happens and the baby begins calling the sitter “Mama.”

Mothers should also understand that this is just a stage and their child will soon understand who is their real mother. Then he will be both happy to arrive at daycare and happy when his mother arrives to take him home.  Some children even get to a point where they kick and scream when they are dropped off with the very same childcare provider that they used to call “Mama.” 

Though you can’t force a child to stop calling the nanny “Mommy,” you can take steps to shorten this stage.

• Try to avoid working extra hours during this time if possible so you can spend more time with your child when you get home at night.
• Try to make the time you have together quality time.  It’s hard to be patient after you’ve just worked a full day and probably spent a considerable amount of time in traffic or commuting, but taking time to sit down and cuddle your baby on your lap while reading a story or singing nursery rhymes will help strengthen your bond.
• If you need to cook dinner during those few hours you have with your little one in the evening, try to include her as opposed to putting her in a playpen or exersaucer while you prepare dinner.  Try putting her in a high chair next to you so you can talk to her while you still get dinner on the table.
• Bedtime may not be negotiable due to time restraints of getting out of the house in the morning, but if possible, an extra half hour of play time with mommy and daddy is a significant amount of time to a little one.

If you’ve tried all of these to no avail, try to be patient – it’s just a stage. 

Children go through many different stages with regard to almost everything.  They will suddenly detest foods they once couldn’t get enough of.  A toy they never had interest in will become their most prized possession overnight.  Some children who seemed like they never slept begin sleeping through the night plus take two naps during the day.  One thing’s for sure, almost anything can change in an instant when dealing with children!

Lisa McLellan, Child Care Expert

This situation is nothing new and it is far from rare or unusual.  When I was just a little girl my mother would take care of other people’s children on occasion for extra money.  There was one little girl named May that was just a toddler when my mom started caring for her.  May’s mom was a single parent and worked full time so May was like one of the family; she was with us more than she was with her own mom.  It wasn’t long before she started calling my mother “mama” and not wanting to go home with her mother in the evening.

One day May got really sick.  She woke up in the night with a fever and was calling for my mom.  Whenever her mother would try to pick her up or comfort her, May would just scream “No!” and cry even harder for my mom.  It had to be heartbreaking for her mother. 

I had a similar situation when I had my daycare.  Only one of the children was with me full time (approximately 50 hours per week).  Her name was Bella and she came to me at about a year old.  I treated all the children like they were my own.  I just loved them all.  Bella wasn’t walking yet when I started taking care of her, so I carried her around a lot.  She had hardly any hair and I found myself kissing her head and cheeks all day without even thinking about it.  I apologized to the parents, but they told me they didn’t mind at all.  In fact, they said that they enjoyed seeing the light traces of lipstick all over her head and the smell of my hand lotion all over her because they knew she was being cuddled and loved all day.  And she was!

After a few months, Bella began calling me “Mama” and crying when her mother or father came to pick her up at the end of the day.  It broke my heart.  I couldn’t even imagine how her mother felt.  My husband and I were invited to a Christmas party at their house that year.  Bella followed me around and kept putting her arms up to me to pick her up.  I automatically scooped her up and sat her on my hip while I chatted with other guests.  Her mother would come over and take her from me saying things like, “oh you’re not on the clock now, you don’t have to do that,” or “enjoy yourself, I’ll take her.”   As she would wisk her away, Bella would lean toward me with her arms out and start to cry.  As soon as her mother put her down she’d run to me again.  

I knew that Bella’s mother was taking her from me because it was somewhat painful to see her baby so attached to someone else, and I didn’t blame her.  But, I felt so sad for little Bella who was confused about who her “real mommy” was, and just wanted to be with the person who spent all day with her, playing with her, feeding her, teaching her, cuddling her, and loving her.

I finally asked her mom one day, “What would you like me to do?  I know it must be hard for you when Bella cries for me when you try to take her from me.  If you want, I can stop treating her like my own child and try to switch to more of a teacher – student relationship.  What would be harder for you, if she cries when you drop her off or if she cries when you pick her up?  Only you can decide.”  I hoped she  wouldn’t ask me to treat Bella differently.  I loved her so much and I find it difficult to hide my affection.

Although this is a very difficult situation to deal with, parents should realize that it is just a stage, and typically only lasts a few months.  Many children will also get to a point where they suddenly throw fits, cry, and scream when they are left with the nanny or daycare provider that they once adored.   Parents shouldn’t be too quick to jump to the conclusion that the child is being abused or neglected.  Certainly, they should investigate the possibility to rule out abuse.  But some parents have pulled their children out of their daycare immediately when the child exhibits this behavior, only to find that the child does the same thing at the new daycare.  This also is usually just a stage.

Many parents feel they have no choice when it comes to daycare.  They often have bought houses, cars, etc. and to stop working outside of the home once they have a child would be devastating to them financially.  Staying home with your baby or having a full time child care provider IS a matter of personal preference, priorities, and/or opinion.  There is no right or wrong.  Everybody has to do what is right for them.  The decision is not usually an easy one but it is your decision to make.

Please see my more recent post for What to do When Baby Prefers the Babysitter or Nanny.

Lisa McLellan, Child Care Expert